Monday, October 27, 2008

The world is not the same today, a piece of me left when Smudge(smudj) died yesterday. I ushered him into the world and then watched him leave. It has only been a year and month since he came to us yet he left a huge mark on our lives. Never has a cat loved me as much as he did and never have a I loved a cat like I did him.

I love you my boy

I am so sad no words can explain. My heart lies in a boot box out in my yard. I kissed you today, I let you go so you would be free to take a deep breath, in all honesty this had to be the worst day I have ever had.

We are not sure why smudge died, the vet suspects flea medicine I think tainted treats it doesn’t matter he is gone. It was quick but not quick enough. He labored to breathe all day Saturday and Sunday. He took his last breath in our home because we could not afford what the emergency vet had plans to do. So My husband brought him home and he was gone within the hour after they returned.

In his short time my memory bank is filled with thoughts of his birth, thoughts of me saying how weird he looked, then waking to find him licking my face and meowing quite loudly in fact, as if to say mom I won’t be here long so love me day and night please. He followed me all over the house. When I let him out 1 small ” Mujo” call would bring him running and crying all the way as if to say “I am coming mama”.

I love him very much. He would lean forward into my face just so I could kiss his head, he slept with me and laid by me while I worked in my studio.

In the back of my mind I knew he would not be with me long. Anything that loves you like this can’t stay long at least that was my thought or maybe my premonition, either way I was right. I wish I could find all the photos I took of him including the original of this diffused photo. I feel so dumb thinking I had all the time in the world to photograph him now. I don’t want to forget what he looks like or how he smelled or what his fur felt like or the sounds he made. So you can see the world is very different today, my mind can’t comprehend why he had to go or why it had to be so hard.

This long winded, sad post is for myself so I remember how love does hurt but it has to be worth it. I also have to remind myself that everything has a reason even the painful things. I am sure in time I will stop crying and I will not have every moment filled with thought of this very special soul that came to visit me, but for now my heart aches beyond belief. You’ll have to forgive me if I take 1000s of photos of the pets I have, I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking I have all the time in the world to look at them again.

Good bye my sweet bunny your short time here was worth the pain.
Sept 13, 2007 passed October 26, 2008

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Summer Seems long when 3 twelve year olds and their many friends have made your home their personal club house. This maybe my fault I have to know they are safe.

My studio time is disrupted by mini wrestling matches over who ate the last bowl of Captain Crunch and the remote control has been in places I don’t care to mention for God knows why. Then there is lunch and dinner and the extra cleaning I have to do because everyone is here. I won’t even mention how much I hate the sound of the phone. just pure interruption anxiety.

Sound like I am complaining? I am! I am selfish. I love quiet, I crave it like a huge candy bar. I can’t hear my creative voice with all the noise so it just makes me plain cranky. I can’t be the only mom that feels this way by mid August?

I adore my kids my world revolves around them but if this relationship were a blood transfusion I would be a bag a bones at this point. I am tapped, no more plasma. It is time for them to go to school so I can regenerate some blood LOL.

I may have to delete this post later when I don’t feel so cranky but I just had to get that out. Most of all I want everyone to know I love my funny boys.

dsc00011.jpgChristmas has a host of memories.
My mom loves Christmas, She is really into baking cookies, her tree is spectacular, full of antique ornaments. Christmas Music is full blast and then Christmas Eve we have a party with the greatest food- Crab Rangoon! I make really good crab Rangoon LOL also scallops with bacon Yum. Dips Oh yes dips. You just would not believe it. So that is the tradition but the memories are what I come for. I don’t remember what the food taste like I just remember my mom and I spending time making a huge mess in the kitchen and giggling all day long. It is not about the tree or gifts but that sets the tone I am sure. I can’t look at Christmas tree without thinking of my mom really.

Now the most important Christmas I have ever had was the first Christmas without my real father I was 8 yrs old. My mom maintained the Santa Claus illusion, this was important because all other great illusions had been destroyed and how she did it I have no idea. She did not have enough money to give us the Christmas she gave. She did not have the time, energy nor even happiness that it takes for even 2 parents to pull off that Christmas but somehow she did. We woke up that cold yet magical morning in our tiny appartment and were never the wiser. I remember I got something Barbie related, notice I don’t remember what I got I just remember I felt like there was an abundance and she made it so special we almost forgot our dad should have been there. That is what it is about creating little pockets of unforgettable time we call them memories. Thanks MOM for making my unforgettable time pockets HUGE -Only hope I do the same for my own kids!

caughtsleepnaroundagain.jpgI should have my head examined, keeping all 5 kittens! I just can’t help it they are like little children to me and I really love them. It is a daily event to watch them and some how they wash all the yucky things away. I probably miss my kids running about my house more than I admit so these kittens fill that little void. They climb on every studio surface I have, they eat non stop they are always in my chair and on my head, OH and the random wrestling is hilarious but watching them sleep is what gives me the sweetest sensation, it is peaceful, it is loving and it is what makes me happy…yeah I know it doesn’t take much to make me happy LOL.

I think the most interesting thing is watching them as a unit, the life study fascinates me. I really love seeing the way they act toward each other and who is in charge and all the little personalities. I do this with my children as well I probably should have been a sociologist the inner working of social groups just captivate me.

I know this doesn’t have any thing to do with creativity but it is part of my daily routine and maybe what puts me in my ZEN state to make my kiln creations. I do thinking being happy and being in balance is what brings good ideas. Turmoil and hate has a way of sucking that right out of a person. Find whatever makes you happy and beautiful things can come forth.

britlynscaugt1.jpgOne of the greater memories I have of my children is taking them to the park with kites. Now imagine, three- 4 1/2 yr olds with kites and 1 chubby little mom trying to get kites in the air very fast. OK, now that you have that in your head imagine me trying to enjoy this in any way. I would get one up, go to the next and then the next, only to look where I started to see I needed to begin again. I did this for quite awhile then magic happened I got all three boys with a kite in the air! I enjoyed this all of 4 mins then the wind changed direction and yanked the kite right out of Sam’s hand. I chased that kite string like a dog ! Only to be defeated by a very large tree- The kite was caught, the struggle was ON,  I spend the next 25 mins (seemed like 2 hours) pushing little boys up a tree to see if the string could be reached. HA! That was a wash! My then 4 1/2 yr old Sam looked at me and said it’s okay mom, I won’t cry (did I mention I love this little boy) as we walked to the car he turned to look at the kite flying in the wind, caught by the tree and he said “that tree sure is having fun flying my kite” SIGH! What a beautiful way to look at it. He didn’t lose the kite he gave it to the tree.

I will never forget that day and what he said and what it means to have your kite caught- Life is so like this, we get caught, we struggle, but in the end we just have to let it go.

Lost in shuffle, put off for last, screaming for attention.

What kinda of mom can’t hear their child? He is so important, my life revolves around them all, they have no idea. Being a triplet must be so hard, the sharing must be unbearable. The pushing the pulling, the competing for time and attention. There is 1 of me and 3 of them so I guess sometimes someone gets left out of the loop. This time it has been Alex.

I think I’ll change my ways…so all your words get noticed -Song by Forty Foot Echo that sums it up really. Sorry I didn’t listen.

I am sorry I didn’t pay attention. I love you little boy. I want to add it is hard to be the mama of these three! The tug of war someone was bound to get hurt.