Monday, October 27, 2008

The world is not the same today, a piece of me left when Smudge(smudj) died yesterday. I ushered him into the world and then watched him leave. It has only been a year and month since he came to us yet he left a huge mark on our lives. Never has a cat loved me as much as he did and never have a I loved a cat like I did him.

I love you my boy

I am so sad no words can explain. My heart lies in a boot box out in my yard. I kissed you today, I let you go so you would be free to take a deep breath, in all honesty this had to be the worst day I have ever had.

We are not sure why smudge died, the vet suspects flea medicine I think tainted treats it doesn’t matter he is gone. It was quick but not quick enough. He labored to breathe all day Saturday and Sunday. He took his last breath in our home because we could not afford what the emergency vet had plans to do. So My husband brought him home and he was gone within the hour after they returned.

In his short time my memory bank is filled with thoughts of his birth, thoughts of me saying how weird he looked, then waking to find him licking my face and meowing quite loudly in fact, as if to say mom I won’t be here long so love me day and night please. He followed me all over the house. When I let him out 1 small ” Mujo” call would bring him running and crying all the way as if to say “I am coming mama”.

I love him very much. He would lean forward into my face just so I could kiss his head, he slept with me and laid by me while I worked in my studio.

In the back of my mind I knew he would not be with me long. Anything that loves you like this can’t stay long at least that was my thought or maybe my premonition, either way I was right. I wish I could find all the photos I took of him including the original of this diffused photo. I feel so dumb thinking I had all the time in the world to photograph him now. I don’t want to forget what he looks like or how he smelled or what his fur felt like or the sounds he made. So you can see the world is very different today, my mind can’t comprehend why he had to go or why it had to be so hard.

This long winded, sad post is for myself so I remember how love does hurt but it has to be worth it. I also have to remind myself that everything has a reason even the painful things. I am sure in time I will stop crying and I will not have every moment filled with thought of this very special soul that came to visit me, but for now my heart aches beyond belief. You’ll have to forgive me if I take 1000s of photos of the pets I have, I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking I have all the time in the world to look at them again.

Good bye my sweet bunny your short time here was worth the pain.
Sept 13, 2007 passed October 26, 2008

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Being a mom comes with great moments. And some just have to be shared. This is not a post about creativity but it is inspiring for parents and for moms especially moms of triplets. My very special boys came into the world 10 weeks early. Their prognosis was less than stellar. I was told they would have mental slowness and physical disabilities. I never once thought anything but perfection, maybe that was naive of me but it got me though each mini crisis.

Yesterday I had a very proud moment one of great triumph for one of my boys -Chip. Knowing what the start of his life entailed to being a great athlete now brings me astounding joy. For anyone that doesn’t know what school sports are like, let me tell you he practices 5 days a week 3 -4 hours a day, then he comes home to home work. Have I mentioned he is brilliant? Um I am not saying that because he is mine, I am saying that because every day he amazes me with his knowledge. I have never known a 12/13 follow politics and be able to speak with knowledge about the issues, kinda freaky!

Okay on to my proud moment-
He is in 7th grade and has played football for 4 years but this year he is a shinning star. The coaches have shown a great deal of interest and care for him. Yesterday was his first game of the season. I have never seen a little boy captain and command a field like this. As I stood on the side lines and watched I could hear the three coaches talking about him. Things like “I think Strader is the only one out there” and “my god that boy has got heart” and “we are moving him into 8th grade football, cause he is too good to be with this level”. With each comment I began to realize what I always knew in my heart. He is bound for greatness! When we went to the coaches after the game they suggested moving him to 8th grade level football, I asked if he would be able to compete at that level? The coach looked at me and said ‘I don’t think you know what you have here, I have never seen HEART like this”.

He came home and let me tell you what makes me ever more proud. He said he didn’t want to leave his team and his coach. His loyalty out weighed his need to feel important or to be praised. I am proud because I feel like these are qualities we instilled. I felt like a good parent last night.

I am proud of all my boys but yesterday it was Chip’s turn to be bragged on.

Thanks for letting me gush.

Summer Seems long when 3 twelve year olds and their many friends have made your home their personal club house. This maybe my fault I have to know they are safe.

My studio time is disrupted by mini wrestling matches over who ate the last bowl of Captain Crunch and the remote control has been in places I don’t care to mention for God knows why. Then there is lunch and dinner and the extra cleaning I have to do because everyone is here. I won’t even mention how much I hate the sound of the phone. just pure interruption anxiety.

Sound like I am complaining? I am! I am selfish. I love quiet, I crave it like a huge candy bar. I can’t hear my creative voice with all the noise so it just makes me plain cranky. I can’t be the only mom that feels this way by mid August?

I adore my kids my world revolves around them but if this relationship were a blood transfusion I would be a bag a bones at this point. I am tapped, no more plasma. It is time for them to go to school so I can regenerate some blood LOL.

I may have to delete this post later when I don’t feel so cranky but I just had to get that out. Most of all I want everyone to know I love my funny boys.

Ya know I have been a little glass hermit? I have been toiling away in my studio, my house is a wreck, my tree is on the floor because my husband has misplaced the tree stand. Did I mention we are only putting up a tree with lights and candy canes because I am all to aware of what 5 kittens can do to a tree. I might just want to leave our tree on the floor and plug in the lights as it is LOL. humm I wonder what people would say?

Anyway with all that said, it is a little hectic here, so we went out to dinner tonight some times you have to do that when there are more dishes in the sink than there is in the cabinet -just kidding really. I watched my boys as we talked they are so funny the way they go from one subject to the next keeping in time as only siblings can do. I get a kick out of them.

We get home and all heck breaks loose it is time for showers and getting everything ready for school. Cooperation is not a 12 yr old boys strong point, have I mentioned that? So try 3 – 12 yr old boys! Chip informs me he will not be able to sleep tonight because Alex has accidentally exposed himself on the way to the shower-BOYs and nudity sheeesh. I already know all of this is stall tactics on all their behalf’s, funny but annoying okay.

Bed time at my house is just an untameable slumber party, although fun for them not fun for me. Tonight Alex was wound up so I would not let him get apple juice before he went to bed so from his bedroom for over 20 mins I got to listen to him sing “apple juice” over and over to the tune of Even Flow by Pearl Jam, as he laid in his bed- but guess what? He did NOT get apple Juice he can sing apple juice to an AC/DC song he will not get what he wants by harassing me! BOYS!

Sam my sweet Sam he is so good but he gets sad very easy. So we had the psych 101 talk tonight about how we can only change our selves we can’t change others- he is so much like me. He thinks everyone is as kind as he is and when they are not he is so shocked and can’t figure out what the hell happened. Poor boy- he is so good to the core- the world will be hard.

So I took a break from my creative journaling to let ya know all the mama stuff too. I am sure something creative comes from it as all experiences make us what we are.

Lost in shuffle, put off for last, screaming for attention.

What kinda of mom can’t hear their child? He is so important, my life revolves around them all, they have no idea. Being a triplet must be so hard, the sharing must be unbearable. The pushing the pulling, the competing for time and attention. There is 1 of me and 3 of them so I guess sometimes someone gets left out of the loop. This time it has been Alex.

I think I’ll change my ways…so all your words get noticed -Song by Forty Foot Echo that sums it up really. Sorry I didn’t listen.

I am sorry I didn’t pay attention. I love you little boy. I want to add it is hard to be the mama of these three! The tug of war someone was bound to get hurt.