Monday, October 27, 2008

The world is not the same today, a piece of me left when Smudge(smudj) died yesterday. I ushered him into the world and then watched him leave. It has only been a year and month since he came to us yet he left a huge mark on our lives. Never has a cat loved me as much as he did and never have a I loved a cat like I did him.

I love you my boy

I am so sad no words can explain. My heart lies in a boot box out in my yard. I kissed you today, I let you go so you would be free to take a deep breath, in all honesty this had to be the worst day I have ever had.

We are not sure why smudge died, the vet suspects flea medicine I think tainted treats it doesn’t matter he is gone. It was quick but not quick enough. He labored to breathe all day Saturday and Sunday. He took his last breath in our home because we could not afford what the emergency vet had plans to do. So My husband brought him home and he was gone within the hour after they returned.

In his short time my memory bank is filled with thoughts of his birth, thoughts of me saying how weird he looked, then waking to find him licking my face and meowing quite loudly in fact, as if to say mom I won’t be here long so love me day and night please. He followed me all over the house. When I let him out 1 small ” Mujo” call would bring him running and crying all the way as if to say “I am coming mama”.

I love him very much. He would lean forward into my face just so I could kiss his head, he slept with me and laid by me while I worked in my studio.

In the back of my mind I knew he would not be with me long. Anything that loves you like this can’t stay long at least that was my thought or maybe my premonition, either way I was right. I wish I could find all the photos I took of him including the original of this diffused photo. I feel so dumb thinking I had all the time in the world to photograph him now. I don’t want to forget what he looks like or how he smelled or what his fur felt like or the sounds he made. So you can see the world is very different today, my mind can’t comprehend why he had to go or why it had to be so hard.

This long winded, sad post is for myself so I remember how love does hurt but it has to be worth it. I also have to remind myself that everything has a reason even the painful things. I am sure in time I will stop crying and I will not have every moment filled with thought of this very special soul that came to visit me, but for now my heart aches beyond belief. You’ll have to forgive me if I take 1000s of photos of the pets I have, I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking I have all the time in the world to look at them again.

Good bye my sweet bunny your short time here was worth the pain.
Sept 13, 2007 passed October 26, 2008

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